Mission: Accelerate the Renaming
of the Country after Our Sovereign. This, in a nutshell, is the task
cut out for the hush-hush group I was invited to join last month: we are one
of the Sovereign's secret weapons for 1973. Our task is to keep Our
Great Leader in the public eye. The vehicle (and no pun is intended
here) is the Marcos jeep, or at least, the philosophy behind it.
There is, of course, nothing special
about the Marcos jeep except that stenciled on either side are the words:
“Medical Assistance to Rural Communities and Other Sectors” whose abbreviation
spells the name of Our Great Leader. The task of our supersecret group
is simply to rename as many government agencies as possible in such a way
that the acronym spells the sacred name of the Sovereign now gloriously reigning.
“Even if the Commission on Elections
bans all billboards, streamers, and media advertising for the next presidential
elections,” the project director boasted, “we will still be able to keep
Our Great Leader in the public eye.”
The first phase of the program
will involve the renaming of all military and police units, he revealed.
“The Air Force will be renamed ‘Military Arm Responsible for Covering Our
Skies’; the Navy, ‘Military Arm Responsible for Covering Our Seas......
“And I suppose the Army will be
renamed ‘Military Arm Responsible for Covering Our Soil,’” I interrupted.
“No” he snapped, “we considered
that but rejected it because it strongly suggests that the Army is lying down
on the job or at least falls down on it. No, the Army will be known
as ‘Military Arm Responsible for Covering Our Shores.’”
He continued, “The PC [Philippine
Constabulary] will be renamed ‘Men Armed to Repress Crime and Organize Security’;
all city-police forces will be called ‘Metropolitan Agencies to Restore Calm,
Order, and Serenity’; and all municipal police forces will be known as ‘Municipal
Agencies to Restore Calm, Order, and Serenity.’ The riot squads will
be named ‘Military Administration to Repel the Communist Offensive among
Students.’
“Think of every plane, boat, tank,
truck, jeep, trailer, car, and motorcycle bearing the name of Our Great Leader!
Think of every soldier and policeman bearing the name of Our Great Leader
on his uniform! Just think,” he enthused, “everytime there is a rebellion,
a riot, a smuggling attempt, a murder, a rape, a robbery, or a theft, people
will automatically think of Our Great Leader if they do not do so already!”
“But surely,” I objected, “not
everyone gets to see the Armed Forces and the police. In fact a lot
of people I know do their best to avoid them.”
“That’s just the first phase.
It will prepare the public to see more and more things carrying the name of
Our Great Leader. We will terminate phase one by getting every single
motor vehicle in the country to carry Our Sovereign's name. All license
plates and those luminous red bumper stickers will carry the name of the
Land Transportation Commission which will be changed to ‘Ministry Accountable
for the Regulation of the Cars on Our Streets.’”
The second phase of the operation
calls for renaming all those agencies which have a lot of branches throughout
the country.
“All schools will be renamed.
Elementary schools will be known as ‘Minor Administration Responsible for
Children's Obtaining Skills,’ while high schools will be known as ‘Major Administration
Responsible for Children's Obtaining Skills.’ The Department of Health
will be dubbed the ‘Medical Agency Responsible for the Care of Our Sick’
we say ‘care’ rather than ‘cure’ because we cannot guarantee cures and the
PACD [Presidential Action on Community Development] will be renamed ‘Mobilization
of Activities to Raise the Countryside's Over-all Standards.’”
I shook my head. “If you
want pervasive impact, why not use the mass media?”
“But we will,” the project
director cried. “Everytime a radio or TV station signs off, the announcer
has to state that the station operates under a license from the Radio Control
Board. Well, the Radio Control Office will be known as the ‘Ministry
Accountable for Radio, Communications, and Other Systems.’”
“Before every single movie, patrons
will see the name of Our Great Leader because the Board of Censors for Motion
Pictures will be known as ‘Moviegoers’ Academy to Regulate Cinematic Over-exploitation
of Sex.’ As for the newspapers, people in the Palace are trying to
convince General Hans Menzi to rename the Manila Bulletin and the Liwayway
publications ‘Menzi’s Accurate Reporting of the Chronicles of Our State.’”
Rubbing his hands gleefully, the
project director continued, “In any case every magazine will have to carry
the name of Our Great Leader. Every magazine has to carry a sworn statement
to the Bureau of Posts on ownership and circulation. This statement
will carry the name of Our Great Leader because the Post Office will be known
as ‘Ministry Accountable for Routing Correspondence through Our State.’”
“Imagine, every single letter and
package will be postmarked with the name of Our Sovereign!”
“Wouldn't it be simpler to just
issue stamps bearing his picture?” I asked.
“That’s been tried,” he sighed,
“but it didn't work too well because too many people kept on spitting on
the wrong side of the stamp.” He continued, “The Bureau of Animal Industry
will be known as ‘Menagerie of Acclimatized Rams, Chicks, Oxen, and Swine’
and each of these animals - except the chickens, of course, but
we're trying to see what can be done - will be branded with the
name of Our Lord and Master. The Society for the Prevention of Cruelty
to Animals is not enthusiastic about the idea of a six-letter brand.
I admit that it's going to be excruciatingly painful for the animals, but
in a cause as noble as ours, certain sacrifices just have to be made.”
“What about the danger that some
unscrupulous person who happens to have the same name as Our Great Leader
claims that all the animals are his own?” I asked.
“If the guy is unscrupulous enough,
he’ll try to rustle the animals regardless of what the brand is. The
Golden Buddha did not carry the name of Our Great Leader but that didn't stop
a certain judge with the same name from ordering its seizure. As I
said, we just have got to take certain risks and be willing to make certain
sacrifices in this noble crusade of ours.”
Phase three involves renaming all
those offices that produce a lot of reports, documents, papers, and official
receipts. “Every single coin and bill will bear the new name of the
Central Bank - ‘Monetary Agency Responsible for the Currency
of Our State.’ Other new names will include ‘Missions Accredited to
Represent the Country Over Seas’ for the Department of Foreign Affairs;
‘Ministry to Amplify Resource, Currency, and Organizational Systems’ for
the President’s Economic Staff, and ‘Mandatory Acquisition of Resources Commandeered
by Our State’ for the Bureau of Internal Revenue.
“The Department of Social Welfare
will be known as ‘Miscellaneous Activities for the Relief of the Crushed,
the Oppressed, and the Suffering’; all relief materials, all clothing, canned
goods, nutri-buns, will carry the name of Our Great Leader. Whenever
natural disaster strikes, people will automatically think of Our Sovereign.
The more disastrous the calamity, the more they will be reminded of him.”
“But I thought phase three involved
only those offices that produced a lot of documents, reports, and papers,”
I objected.
“Sir,” he retorted, “the Department
of Social Welfare’s output of press and photo releases weighs at least ten
times the mass of the relief goods that actually reach the real disaster
victims. It is for this reason that the National Science Development
Board (which will come to be known as ‘Miniscule Agency Ritualistically Conducting
Operations in Science’) is conducting experiments on the transmutation of
press releases into foodstuffs and they hope to achieve a breakthrough by
1973.”
The project group is also working
to enlist the Church in the movement to keep Our Great Leader in the public
eye. “We are going to donate a Bible to every single and married priest,
brother, nun, and seminarian. The catch is, every Bible will be marked
‘Miraculous Account of the Redemption through Christ Our Savior.’ Can
you imagine every preacher reading to his parishioners, ‘Lesson from MARCOS,
according to Luke, chapter 4, verses such-and-such to such-and-such’?”
Another special project is to
enshrine Our Lady and Master as the center of attraction in every single
town plaza in the country. “Although a statue of Rizal occupies the
central position in almost every plaza, we are going to one-up Rizal.
We will pass a law under which every single Rizal monument - from
the one in the smallest barrio-must be marked with the legend: ‘Memorial Accorded
to Rizal, the Country’s Oracle and Seer.’”
“You seem to have thought of everything,”
I marveled. “It's almost as if you have no problems at all.”
“But we do have problems,” he
confessed, “but we're working on them..” He introduced me to the Palace
psychologist, a post-menopause woman who acted like a coquettish bobby-soxer,
who, he said, would fill me in on the most difficult problem they had encountered.
The Palace psychologist gigglingly
pontificated, “According to a series of psychosexual surveys we have taken
and analyzed in the approved Freudian-Pavlovian manner, Our Great Leader's
image suffers from an unfortunate identification with the most negatively
cacheted aspects of the present anomic situation in general and the guilt-associated
aspects of the family planning movement in particular.”
“Just what the hell does that
mean?” I asked.
Looking at me as if I was a retarded
child, the Palace psychologist said, “The statistics clearly shows that the
longer Our Great Leader has stayed in office, the more people do not feel
that it is possible to support a child under the current sociopolitical system.
A clinically trained person like myself would interpret this to mean that
they tend to look on Our Great Leader as a walking advertisement for birth
control.
“When you couple this evidence
with the statistics showing that the longer Our Great Leader remained in office,
the more crimes against persons were committed, the conclusion is inescapable
that a considerable number of people have gone further than birth control.
It seems that there is a growing movement for retroactive contraception.
The most logical object of retroactive contraception would be Our Great Leader
but with the battalions of bodyguards he has around him, it would be suicide
to try. Hence many direct their rage and frustration against others
- and here we get homicide, or against themselves - and
here we get suicide.”
“Do you have any ideas on how
this problem may be solved?” I asked.
“Yes,” she giggled. “First
we will rename the Family Planning Organization of the Philippines the ‘Mobilization
for Abortion, Rhythm, Condoms, and Ovulation Suppressants.’ Our Leader's
name and/or picture will be on every pill, every condom, every jelly, every
IUD. Whenever a couple makes love, they will see the name or picture
of Our Great Leader and, especially if the device they use is either a condom
or an IUD, they will feel his presence even at the height - and
in the depth - of their ecstasy!
“We will thus be linking Our Great
Leader with the joys of sex: sex without guilt, sex without fear, sex without
the bother of having a child! Just as Pavlov's dogs salivated every
time they heard a bell, people will think of making love whenever they see
the name or picture of Our Great Leader, whose middle initial will come to
stand for ‘Eros!”
Lifting her arms like a Vestal
Virgin making some kind of sacrifice, she crowed, “The people cannot but
associate Our Leader and Master with the greatest pleasure known to man.”
I nodded. “I have just seen the campaign slogan,” I said. “The
President is a pill.”
The project director beamed at
me. “Well do you have any suggestion?”
I hesitated. “Have you thought
of a new name for the Department of Public Sanitation?” I wondered.
He shook his head. “It wouldn't
be very appropriate, would it, to have the name of Our Sovereign plastered
on the side of every garbage can and dump truck.”
“I thought so,” I sighed, “and
yet there's such a marvelous name for it.”
His face lit up. “Tell me.
If it's good, maybe we can use it.” I said, “Manpower Aggregating
Refuse, Crap, and Other Shit.”