Ms. XXXXXX
Department of Economics
Harvard University
Cambridge, Mass.,USA
Dear XXXXX:
Here's
the second "installment" of the pictures. I hope you got the first batch,
which I gave to Mr. Kim -- the day I left Seoul -- with the request that he
send it over to you before you took off. I'm also enclosing the calling card I
never gave you.
There
is something I have to explain to you -- the many times I looked at you very
wistfully during the days you were with us. I'm sure you must have noticed...I
looked at you this way often enough.
I
didn't quite figure out why I felt so drawn to you -- until the second day,
when it struck me that I was looking at the daughter I wished I had...and the
daughter I might have had.
"The
daughter I wished I had" is easy is to explain. Every man would like to
have, to cherish, a talented daughter whose intellectual gifts have not gone to
her head...the kind of young woman with the kind of grace that enables her to
bring out the best in whoever happens to be around her. I envy your parents,
Hilary, not only because they have you, but also because by having you, they
must be a wonderful couple.
"The
daughter I might have had" takes a little longer to explain. Years ago,
there was a woman I might have married (why we didn't get married is another
story; suffice it to say that it was mostly my fault and I consider my not
having married her to be the biggest mistake I ever made) -- and you remind me
very much of her. It isn't merely because she is a Korean-American. The way you
talk, the pitch of your voice, the way you inflect your voice whenever you make
a statement that is a half-question, and even some of the things you speak
about -- as when you talked about "my church"...whenever you spoke,
all I had to do was close my eyes and I heard her voice all over again.
She
and I did talk about the children we would have and I told her that if
daughters took after their mothers and sons took after their fathers, I would
prefer to have daughters because this world would be better served by having
people like her rather than people like me. We thought of having two daughters
-- and we even had the names picked out for them. Hilary, you're the right age
for the girl who would have been our elder daughter.
I
thought that after a little over 20 years, these memories had been buried deep
enough. Little did I know that I would meet someone like you who would make me
remember -- and weep over -- what was and might have been.
It
is painful to remember these things, but it is also valuable to learn things
about oneself. All things that are
valuable come with a price -- and I do not mind the pain that I have borne as
the price for realizing how vulnerable I still am in this regard.
Thank
you for occasioning this realization about myself, Hilary. Thank you -- for
being.
Sincerely,
GERRY GIL